Mulligan

I did it again.  I fell off the creative recovery wagon.  It seems like every time I start on this path there comes a point where I allow myself to be derailed.  I don't know why.  True to form, this happened again.  Week Five in The Artist's Way was supposed to finish nearly two weeks ago but I haven't moved on.  It is time to embrace that and make the determination that Sunday, the beginning of next week, will also be the beginning of Week Six.  I will not allow myself to stay derailed, stay off the wagon.

Week Five Check-In:

There were several things that I was supposed to do during week five.  You can see the whole list here, but I've decided to just stick with what I could manage.

1. List ten things I would love to do but don't feel "allowed" to do.
1. Get what I want just because I'm cute or a woman.
2. Tell the LOUD person down the hall from me at work to SHUT UP because her loud voice is obnoxious and carries through walls and closed doors.
3. Be a stay-at-home-gardener and writer.
4. Be a "free spirit."
5. Make a record/CD. (It is, perhaps, good that this one doesn't happen. I'm aware of my lack of vocal talent.)
6. Ignore certain members of my family and everyone else who drives me nuts.
7. Foster a bazillion animals.

I don't have more for the list right now.  I'm sure there are other things out there...I guess this is an area I've blocked enough that even several weeks of thinking about it doesn't allow me to come up with a complete list.

1. List ten wishes, even if they're frivolous. 
1. I'd love to live in a large house on multiple acres with a vineyard, orchard, garden, lots of pets, and a separate building for a creative space that is connected to Honey's smoking room.
2. A completely clean garage that actually stays clean and organized.
3. The ability to send my babies to college.
4. The creation of a foundation that gives money to the charitable organizations I love and provides scholarships to kids like me who had nothing and no one to help them figure out the system.
5. A closet-office with storage for all the crafts.  (This is part of a large dream of a completely organized house.)
6. Lose the ten pounds that I regained after my big weight loss a few years ago.
7. A bigger bed.  This queen-sized bed was a good idea years ago, but it no longer fits all of us: two people, three cats (or four, if Canvas feels friendly), and a dog.
8. Lazer hair removal.
9. A new car. (I don't know what yet. I can't decide, which means that when the time comes I might just stick with an old reliable: Camry.)
10. A trip to Istanbul.
11. Teaching a monthly class, like a literary circle or something like that where people get together and discuss ideas and learning.

Yes, I know that's 11 things.  Maybe it makes up for my shorter previous list?

1. The reason I can't really believe in a supportive God...list five grievances (As Julia Cameron says, "It's okay, God can take it." :-)
1. I don't know if I can do this, but here it goes...childhood abuse.
2. Crazy families.
3. Working, working, working...

Nope.  I could explain these and add more, but I am not ready.  This is going to have to sit on the back burner.  The thing is, I do believe that things happen for a reason and that synchronicity exists in the world.  And so, in some regards I do believe in a supportive God.  I just don't know why things have to be so hard all the time.

1. Ten ways I am mean to myself are...
1. My Guilt Monster is always very critical.  But he also doesn't like to share the spotlight, so we'll let him alone for now.

1. Ten items I would like to own that I don't are...
1. I'm starting this list right now.  The biggest thing is the kitchen cart from Crate & Barrel that I have wanted for four years, ever since we moved into this house and realized that it had no storage or counter space in the kitchen. (Seriously, we have one counter that's about six feet long, and two of those feet are the kitchen sink, and Honey had to turn the front coat closet into a "pantry" for pots & pans & food.)  I'm sure there are other things on the list -- like a bigger bed (although that will have to wait for a different house, since our queen-size bed takes up just about the entire "master" bedroom), but I haven't thought about it too much.

1. My favorite creative block is...
1. Right now I think it's television.  By the time the evening rolls around I feel too tired to do much else.  Sitting and watching television is relaxing.  Usually I am using a knitting loom to try and knit something in a straight line, but sometimes I just sit and hold my pets.  I feel a bit guilty about it being a waste of time, but my brain likes it.

For "Week Five" I wrote my morning pages most of the time -- maybe 80% of the time.  So I was not perfect, but that's okay.

On Sunday I will start again with a renewed sense of purpose.  It's a learning experience, after all, and I am learning plenty.