Week Seven: Sense of Connection

Can it really be Week Seven if we're in the end of August and I was supposed to be working through one chapter per week of The Artist's Way?  I guess we'll call this a Marie Week, which means it happens whenever it's good and ready.  I have put off tackling this book -- and returning to consistent morning pages -- for far too long.  Even though I know it's good for me.  Even though I know I feel better and more reflective when I am consistent.  Sometimes I'm just stubborn.

Week Seven is all about connecting with dreams, goals, creativity.  This is exactly what I need at this moment: a connection to self...especially since I don't always really know who that self is.  I used to be hard on myself for this, thinking that other people were always reflective, always knew who they were, always knew what they wanted.  As I get older, however, I realize that most people move and live day to day but rarely take the time to sit down and think about who they are, what they really want, why they work in a particular way.

That was why going through the "branding" (self discovery and description) process with Jan last month -- and then walking through the process of discovering a brand of brilliance with teachers last week -- was so incredibly helpful.  It let me identify what makes me tick and why.  Now I just need to figure out how that turns into a goal and jobs.

The ironic part of all of this is that I am exceptionally good at listening to what another person says and then figuring out what they really want and how to get them to that goal but I am horrible at doing that for myself!  I  just wish someone would tell me what to do.

Morning pages and artist dates -- things that I have neglected for far too long -- are exercises in listening; listening for what our inner voice is really saying.

My inner voice is yelling right now.  Yelling at the world.  Yelling at people who betray me or hurt others.  Yelling to be heard.  I think it's time to return to pages and dates and give the voice a bit of an escape.  Perhaps if it quiets down I can hear the actual message.

As I worked through chapter seven in The Artist's Way, there were several interesting tasks: a jealousy map and an "archaeology exercise."  Julia Cameron's theory about jealousy is that it is really a message showing us want we want to do but what we are afraid to try.  Action will remove the jealousy.  So, for example, I was jealous (of a sort) of my sister's ability to sew beautiful clothes.  I decided to try that myself.  Can I sew?  Sort of.  It will never look like what my sister can create.  But I tried it, I figured out how to do a few things, and my jealousy is gone.

Jealousy Map

Who                                           Why                                 Action Antidote
SAHMs                          They seem to have flexibility                    Clean out the freezer & buy ice
                                     They can be appreciated for what       (a small task, but one that will be appreciated)
                                        they do even without a salary

TT                                 She always gets what she wants              Be more direct (while still polite) when I
                                    and so life seems very easy.                        want something

Manicured Yards          They seem beautiful & peaceful                Mow the lawn and create one pretty spot

Painters                         Artwork is beautiful                                 Paint something

Novelists                       People read their books                          Write another chapter in my novel
                                       They are known & admired
                                    Books are a great escape

Singers/Musicians       They bring enjoyment                                 Make a sing-a-long playlist for the house
                                       People admire them                              Get a piano (this is a long term goal -- gotta
                                                                                                     have money/space)

Chefs                         Make incredible food that nourishes          Cook a beautiful meal for the family
                                    the soul

Archaeology Exercise (uncover yourself!):
1. As a kid, I missed the chance to be a kid.
2. As a kid, I lacked much of a social life.  And sometimes food.
3. As a kid, I could've used an encouraging parent and a loving family.
4. As a kid, I dreamed of being a doctor in a far away land helping other people.
5. As a kid, I wanted a horse.
6. In my house, we never had enough food. Or time to sit and read.
7. As a kid, I needed more positive role models.
8. I am sorry that I will never again see my grandparents.
9. For years, I have missed and wondered about what it would be like to have had normal childhood experiences, a mother who took care of the family, a father who cared about his children, and adults who could've shown me how to navigate the system and get into college.
10. I beat myself up about the loss of many things because I always think that I could do better, be more.

1. I have a loyal friend in...
2. One thing I like about my town is that people are laid back, they enjoy their dogs, and most people garden (even if that means only a pot or two for tomatoes or kitchen herbs).
3. I think that I have nice...teeth?  No, shoes.
4. Writing my morning pages has shown me that I can listen to my inner self, I just need to do it consistently.
5. I am taking a greater interest in embracing art in all its forms, not taking BS from others, and finding ways to enjoy life.
6. I believe I am getting better at slowing down and enjoying a moment (although this is still rather difficult).
7. My artist has started to pay more attention to how items can be given a new lease on life if one just looks at them with a certain set of eyes.
8. My self-care is still lacking but I am getting better with setting boundaries.
9. I feel more self-assured.
10. Possibly, my creativity is...very powerful, just waiting to be fully realized.

This week's tasks:
1. Mantra: Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong.
2. Listen to one side of an album just for joy. Doodle. Relax.
3. Go to a sacred space and enjoy the silence.
4. Create a wonderful smell in the house through food or candles or whatever.
5. Wear a favorite item of clothing for no particular reason.
6. Buy one thing that is comforting -- a wonderful pair of socks, gloves, or whatever.
7. Collage a pictorial autobiography -- take a stack of about ten magazines, set the timer to 20 minutes, and tear out all the images that appeal to you and then paste them onto paper.
8. Quickly list five favorite films.  What do they have in common? Does the theme appear in the collage?
9. Quickly list favorite things to read about.  What do they have in common? Does the theme appear in the collage?
10. Give the collage a place of honor (even if it's a secret place).

Day 17: A Picture of Something That's Made a Huge Impact on My Life Recently

As part of today's post for the Thirty Day Challenge, I could take a picture of the disaster that is currently dining room table dissertation work space.  But I don't think that the post is supposed to be about things that depress us (yes, it's depressing to work with statistics AND to have a messy space -- I hate mess).

I could also post a picture of the teenager living with us.  Going from a childless home to a home with a teenager is a big change.  I am not sure how long the arrangement will last -- anywhere from a few months to a couple years -- and we're just trying to take one day or one week at a time.  Then again, my life is used to major upheaval like this, so I am not sure that even something like this counts for the day's post.

For me, there is rarely a time when I experience something that is immediately life-changing or life-impacting.  Yes, there are the occasional deaths in families, major break-ups, disasters, and other bits and pieces of life's debris, but for the most part we all know to roll with the punches.  What I find is that it is often the little things in life that end up having the most impact -- even if I don't realize it for several years.

Take, for instance, this book, the one I'm focused on for 2011 (well, the train's been derailed a bit this month, but it will be back up & running in no time):

I started reading The Artist's Way a few years ago and never made it very far, but I did adopt writing "morning pages."  I had, at the time, an extremely stressful job.  Writing was a way to clarify what I wanted and needed.  I got out of the job and started looking for one that would be a bit more nurturing, healthier.  What happened after that is a long story, or even several long stories.  Suffice it to say I started reflecting more, listening to my inner self more, and eventually that led me here: to a year in which I decide to make it all the way through this book, embark on creative recovery, and embrace my crafty self.

I don't know where things will lead, but the joy of the journey lies in discovery, not in knowing the destination, and I discover new things all the time.

Mulligan

I did it again.  I fell off the creative recovery wagon.  It seems like every time I start on this path there comes a point where I allow myself to be derailed.  I don't know why.  True to form, this happened again.  Week Five in The Artist's Way was supposed to finish nearly two weeks ago but I haven't moved on.  It is time to embrace that and make the determination that Sunday, the beginning of next week, will also be the beginning of Week Six.  I will not allow myself to stay derailed, stay off the wagon.

Week Five Check-In:

There were several things that I was supposed to do during week five.  You can see the whole list here, but I've decided to just stick with what I could manage.

1. List ten things I would love to do but don't feel "allowed" to do.
1. Get what I want just because I'm cute or a woman.
2. Tell the LOUD person down the hall from me at work to SHUT UP because her loud voice is obnoxious and carries through walls and closed doors.
3. Be a stay-at-home-gardener and writer.
4. Be a "free spirit."
5. Make a record/CD. (It is, perhaps, good that this one doesn't happen. I'm aware of my lack of vocal talent.)
6. Ignore certain members of my family and everyone else who drives me nuts.
7. Foster a bazillion animals.

I don't have more for the list right now.  I'm sure there are other things out there...I guess this is an area I've blocked enough that even several weeks of thinking about it doesn't allow me to come up with a complete list.

1. List ten wishes, even if they're frivolous. 
1. I'd love to live in a large house on multiple acres with a vineyard, orchard, garden, lots of pets, and a separate building for a creative space that is connected to Honey's smoking room.
2. A completely clean garage that actually stays clean and organized.
3. The ability to send my babies to college.
4. The creation of a foundation that gives money to the charitable organizations I love and provides scholarships to kids like me who had nothing and no one to help them figure out the system.
5. A closet-office with storage for all the crafts.  (This is part of a large dream of a completely organized house.)
6. Lose the ten pounds that I regained after my big weight loss a few years ago.
7. A bigger bed.  This queen-sized bed was a good idea years ago, but it no longer fits all of us: two people, three cats (or four, if Canvas feels friendly), and a dog.
8. Lazer hair removal.
9. A new car. (I don't know what yet. I can't decide, which means that when the time comes I might just stick with an old reliable: Camry.)
10. A trip to Istanbul.
11. Teaching a monthly class, like a literary circle or something like that where people get together and discuss ideas and learning.

Yes, I know that's 11 things.  Maybe it makes up for my shorter previous list?

1. The reason I can't really believe in a supportive God...list five grievances (As Julia Cameron says, "It's okay, God can take it." :-)
1. I don't know if I can do this, but here it goes...childhood abuse.
2. Crazy families.
3. Working, working, working...

Nope.  I could explain these and add more, but I am not ready.  This is going to have to sit on the back burner.  The thing is, I do believe that things happen for a reason and that synchronicity exists in the world.  And so, in some regards I do believe in a supportive God.  I just don't know why things have to be so hard all the time.

1. Ten ways I am mean to myself are...
1. My Guilt Monster is always very critical.  But he also doesn't like to share the spotlight, so we'll let him alone for now.

1. Ten items I would like to own that I don't are...
1. I'm starting this list right now.  The biggest thing is the kitchen cart from Crate & Barrel that I have wanted for four years, ever since we moved into this house and realized that it had no storage or counter space in the kitchen. (Seriously, we have one counter that's about six feet long, and two of those feet are the kitchen sink, and Honey had to turn the front coat closet into a "pantry" for pots & pans & food.)  I'm sure there are other things on the list -- like a bigger bed (although that will have to wait for a different house, since our queen-size bed takes up just about the entire "master" bedroom), but I haven't thought about it too much.

1. My favorite creative block is...
1. Right now I think it's television.  By the time the evening rolls around I feel too tired to do much else.  Sitting and watching television is relaxing.  Usually I am using a knitting loom to try and knit something in a straight line, but sometimes I just sit and hold my pets.  I feel a bit guilty about it being a waste of time, but my brain likes it.

For "Week Five" I wrote my morning pages most of the time -- maybe 80% of the time.  So I was not perfect, but that's okay.

On Sunday I will start again with a renewed sense of purpose.  It's a learning experience, after all, and I am learning plenty.

It *is* a happy Friday! An award-filled day!

It really is the simple things in life that make life beautiful. Simple things, like an adorable kitty, a colorful stir fry, a nice bottle of wine. And like a wise person once said, the best things in life are free.  So, what do you get when you combine something simple with something free?  A blogger award! And it really does seem like one of the best things in life that makes life just that much more beautiful.

My BlogFriend, Christina @ The Tattered Tag (who just reached the 100-follower mark -- congratulations!), bestowed upon me two blogging awards.  

Yay for awards

What, me?  Really??  This is such an honor!! I feel this way especially because I've only really been blogging since January and I have a small following. This blog is about my journey through creative recovery and I feel thankful for the people who are along for the ride.

So how does this award work?  I'm so glad you asked!

• Thank and link back to the person who bestowed the award on you.
• Share seven random things about yourself.
• Nominate 15 other bloggers (share the love!!)
• Contact the bloggers and inform them of the award.

  
So here are seven random things about me:

1. While I love to craft, create, and give gifts to people, I absolutely hate wrapping gifts. (Seriously, people are lucky if it comes in a gift bag. Count yourself double-lucky if that gift bag also included tissue paper.)
2. I love coffee and tea, and my favorite tea in the whole world is the Earl Grey from Allann Bros., a local coffee roasting company. 
3. Few things make me happier than listening to Sam Cooke and Roy Orbison while cooking in the kitchen.
4. My favorite colors are shades of orange and blue, which is why just about every room in my house is painted with some variation of those colors.
5. Teaching is my passion, and while I love teaching and working with adults, which is what I do now, I miss "my kids," because few things are quite as fun as teaching high school.
6. I am completely addicted to NPR and OPB and go into serious withdrawals when I can't get my daily fix.
7. My breakfast consists of a cup of coffee and a toasted english muffin and it has been that way for years. I love english muffins and would eat them for every meal if I could. Seriously, they are that good.

Were those facts random enough?  

And now the moment that you've all been waiting for -- the passing of the awards!  I am awarding

1. Shiree @ pistolsnprincesses
2. Melanie @ You Made That
3. Nicole @ Thrifty Decorating
4. Allyson @ No Place Like Our Home
5. Kristen @ Just Live Simply
6. Jonie Marie @ Just Between Friends
7. Cassie @ Hi, Sugarplum!
8. Brandi @ Don't Disturb This Groove
9. Judy @ DIY by Design
10. Ellen @ Creative Passage
11. Tracie @ Cleverly Inspired
12. Lisa @ A Vintage Vine
13. Nicole @ A Home for A Bunny
14. CAS @ An Oasis in the Desert
15. Courtney @ A Thoughtful Place

There.  Whew, that was a lot of work!  There are so many wonderful people with blogs out there that I want to recognize everyone!  But we'll stick with 15 for now, since those are the rules. :-)  Check out these amazing women and their blogs -- you'll be glad that you did!

And thanks again, Christina @ The Tattered Tag.  You are amazing!

Week Four: Check In

In looking back at my tasks for last week of The Artist's Way, I realize that I did not make a special place for me.  So that is still in the works, but I did write my morning pages, think about myself at 80 (my 80 year-old self is being a bit elusive, but that's okay, I'll play hide-and-seek for a while), think about my perfect environment, and come up with an extended Artist's Date idea.

Now on to Week Five....

A bit of sleuthing...

One of the activities this week in chapter three of The Artist's Way is to do a bit of free-association to help work on a sense of self.  Here it goes...

1. My favorite childhood toy was...toys? We had toys? I don't know...probably the ceramic horses that were my aunt's in her childhood.
2. My favorite childhood game was...playing war in the forest with the boys.
3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was...The Court Jester. It's still the best. The Princess Bride was pretty good, too.
4. I don't do it much but I enjoy...reading a whole book in a day.
5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself...this is hard because I'm not sure what it would be. I keep thinking "No! If you lighten up you'll be a long-skirt-and-tie-dye-wearing hippie!" But then I realize I could lighten up in other ways, like letting the house go for a day and just sitting and reading. That would be nice.
6. If it weren't too late, I'd...get a master's degree in European history.
7. My favorite musical instrument is...the violin. I love the piano, too.
8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is...well, if you count our Netflix bill, we spend $9.99/month on entertainment. If art supplies are counted, then maybe an additional $20/month, but only a few months out of the year.
9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I'd buy her...a piano, a Silhouette machine, and numerous frames and canvases.
10. Taking time out for myself is...something I'm learning to do.
11. I'm afraid that if I start dreaming...I won't do anything productive.
12. I secretly enjoy reading...thriller/suspense novels.
13. If I'd had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be...I'm not sure because this is so far from reality. Maybe a famous historian.
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write or make a(n)...album.
15. My parent(s) think artists are...poor.
16. My God things artists are...colorful.
17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is...the amount of time that it takes: on the one hand I feel good about creating things, on the other hand I worry that I am just wasting time.
18. Learning to trust myself is probably...going to take a while.
19. My most cheer me up music is...depending on the day, Sam Cooke or something from the Ella Fitzgerald/Louis Armstrong era or Pink Martini.
20. My favorite way to dress...is business casual. 

So I'll have to reflect on what this means for me and my sense of self.  Meanwhile, the section on growth hits home with its insight that creative recovery is a healing process and growth occurs in spurts. One of the suggestions is to learn how to be good to yourself. Do something nice to take care of yourself -- it doesn't have to be expensive, it can be simple, and then practice saying "yes" to the caring opportunities the universe provides.  I think that this is important especially when it comes to being ready to accept criticism for one's art.  Not all criticism is bad, but so many people have experienced shaming in life that sometimes criticism, even when it's well-intentioned, is hurtful.  I know that I tend to be extremely self-critical and then when I show something to someone else and hear remarks that aren't quite effusive praise, the little monsters inside of me jump up and start pouncing, making me want to run and hide.  It takes a while for me to sit back and calmly think about criticism and say "Oh, that makes sense, yes, that would help me improve such-and-such."  Then, of course, I am thankful for the feedback.  So hopefully with more reflection and understanding and growth I will get better at this whole process.

Week Three: Anger, Synchronicity, and a Sense of Power

Tonight I finally had a chance to go through chapter three in The Artist's Way.  I love the way that Julia Cameron explains the usefulness of anger.  Growing up I associated anger with all of the things I didn't want in my life: mean people, yelling, hurt, hypocrites, and about three tons of guilt.  I hated anger and I was a very angry person (albeit underneath the surface), which meant that my Guilt Monster showed up repeatedly. I told my monster to go away, but he knew he didn't have to listen.  I'd get angry soon enough and then I would feel guilty for being angry while my Guilt Monster just smirked.  As I became an adult, my outbursts of anger were under control.  I was a more reasonable person, a calmer person, and I didn't feel quite so guilty because I wasn't "angry," I was frustrated and frustration was totally acceptable.  This went on for years until recently I started feeling angry again. Why? I asked myself. What is the bigger picture here?  Those questions and the answers that I have experienced perhaps explain why the explanation of anger in this chapter resonates with me. 

Anger, Cameron says, is a tool: we use it to spur ourselves into action.  It shows us boundaries, points in new directions, and can be used as a guide.  Thinking back over what causes me to be angry (more than just frustrated -- and yes, there are times when I'm legitimately just frustrated and not covering for some deeper anger), most of the causes of my anger are when I see people being abused, mistreated, manipulated in some way: few things get me upset like issues of social justice, love, compassion, and equality.  Aha! I thought to myself, So that's what's meant by "righteous anger"! I get it!  I feel like if that were the entire message in the chapter it would be enough.  But there's more!

Just the other day I commented to a friend about how interesting it is that a number of us -- all independently of one another -- are focusing on being intentional this year.  It was as if the world was lining up and telling us I want you to start living with intention. Be in the moment. Enjoy life and be reflective.  It's just one example of the synchronicity I see in life.  In my younger days I called it God.  Then I called it coincidence.  Now I don't know what term to use, but I have seen -- in my own life and the lives of others -- that when one is on a pathway of intentionality or creative recovery then serendipitous things just seem to happen.  That is one of the reasons why I am so excited about this Year of Intention and working through The Artist's Way trilogy: I want to see what is in store for this year.

"Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you lease expect it, there will be a fish." -- Ovid