Week Seven: Sense of Connection

Can it really be Week Seven if we're in the end of August and I was supposed to be working through one chapter per week of The Artist's Way?  I guess we'll call this a Marie Week, which means it happens whenever it's good and ready.  I have put off tackling this book -- and returning to consistent morning pages -- for far too long.  Even though I know it's good for me.  Even though I know I feel better and more reflective when I am consistent.  Sometimes I'm just stubborn.

Week Seven is all about connecting with dreams, goals, creativity.  This is exactly what I need at this moment: a connection to self...especially since I don't always really know who that self is.  I used to be hard on myself for this, thinking that other people were always reflective, always knew who they were, always knew what they wanted.  As I get older, however, I realize that most people move and live day to day but rarely take the time to sit down and think about who they are, what they really want, why they work in a particular way.

That was why going through the "branding" (self discovery and description) process with Jan last month -- and then walking through the process of discovering a brand of brilliance with teachers last week -- was so incredibly helpful.  It let me identify what makes me tick and why.  Now I just need to figure out how that turns into a goal and jobs.

The ironic part of all of this is that I am exceptionally good at listening to what another person says and then figuring out what they really want and how to get them to that goal but I am horrible at doing that for myself!  I  just wish someone would tell me what to do.

Morning pages and artist dates -- things that I have neglected for far too long -- are exercises in listening; listening for what our inner voice is really saying.

My inner voice is yelling right now.  Yelling at the world.  Yelling at people who betray me or hurt others.  Yelling to be heard.  I think it's time to return to pages and dates and give the voice a bit of an escape.  Perhaps if it quiets down I can hear the actual message.

As I worked through chapter seven in The Artist's Way, there were several interesting tasks: a jealousy map and an "archaeology exercise."  Julia Cameron's theory about jealousy is that it is really a message showing us want we want to do but what we are afraid to try.  Action will remove the jealousy.  So, for example, I was jealous (of a sort) of my sister's ability to sew beautiful clothes.  I decided to try that myself.  Can I sew?  Sort of.  It will never look like what my sister can create.  But I tried it, I figured out how to do a few things, and my jealousy is gone.

Jealousy Map

Who                                           Why                                 Action Antidote
SAHMs                          They seem to have flexibility                    Clean out the freezer & buy ice
                                     They can be appreciated for what       (a small task, but one that will be appreciated)
                                        they do even without a salary

TT                                 She always gets what she wants              Be more direct (while still polite) when I
                                    and so life seems very easy.                        want something

Manicured Yards          They seem beautiful & peaceful                Mow the lawn and create one pretty spot

Painters                         Artwork is beautiful                                 Paint something

Novelists                       People read their books                          Write another chapter in my novel
                                       They are known & admired
                                    Books are a great escape

Singers/Musicians       They bring enjoyment                                 Make a sing-a-long playlist for the house
                                       People admire them                              Get a piano (this is a long term goal -- gotta
                                                                                                     have money/space)

Chefs                         Make incredible food that nourishes          Cook a beautiful meal for the family
                                    the soul

Archaeology Exercise (uncover yourself!):
1. As a kid, I missed the chance to be a kid.
2. As a kid, I lacked much of a social life.  And sometimes food.
3. As a kid, I could've used an encouraging parent and a loving family.
4. As a kid, I dreamed of being a doctor in a far away land helping other people.
5. As a kid, I wanted a horse.
6. In my house, we never had enough food. Or time to sit and read.
7. As a kid, I needed more positive role models.
8. I am sorry that I will never again see my grandparents.
9. For years, I have missed and wondered about what it would be like to have had normal childhood experiences, a mother who took care of the family, a father who cared about his children, and adults who could've shown me how to navigate the system and get into college.
10. I beat myself up about the loss of many things because I always think that I could do better, be more.

1. I have a loyal friend in...
2. One thing I like about my town is that people are laid back, they enjoy their dogs, and most people garden (even if that means only a pot or two for tomatoes or kitchen herbs).
3. I think that I have nice...teeth?  No, shoes.
4. Writing my morning pages has shown me that I can listen to my inner self, I just need to do it consistently.
5. I am taking a greater interest in embracing art in all its forms, not taking BS from others, and finding ways to enjoy life.
6. I believe I am getting better at slowing down and enjoying a moment (although this is still rather difficult).
7. My artist has started to pay more attention to how items can be given a new lease on life if one just looks at them with a certain set of eyes.
8. My self-care is still lacking but I am getting better with setting boundaries.
9. I feel more self-assured.
10. Possibly, my creativity is...very powerful, just waiting to be fully realized.

This week's tasks:
1. Mantra: Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong.
2. Listen to one side of an album just for joy. Doodle. Relax.
3. Go to a sacred space and enjoy the silence.
4. Create a wonderful smell in the house through food or candles or whatever.
5. Wear a favorite item of clothing for no particular reason.
6. Buy one thing that is comforting -- a wonderful pair of socks, gloves, or whatever.
7. Collage a pictorial autobiography -- take a stack of about ten magazines, set the timer to 20 minutes, and tear out all the images that appeal to you and then paste them onto paper.
8. Quickly list five favorite films.  What do they have in common? Does the theme appear in the collage?
9. Quickly list favorite things to read about.  What do they have in common? Does the theme appear in the collage?
10. Give the collage a place of honor (even if it's a secret place).

"Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand." -- Baruch Spinoza

This is my third day in a row of morning pages -- today I actually wrote in the morning! -- and already I am reawakening my original suspicion about them, developed in 2008, that they really are magical. Of course I do not mean magic as in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, but more along the lines of something powerful. There is something to be said for writing one's ramblings and purging one's mind for a few minutes each day. For me, that act allows my brain to look for other entertainment, other thoughts and ideas. Usually, after a few days of pages my novel's plot jumps into focus and I know what happens next, or I have clarity for the direction my week should take, or I have more energy.

Or, like today, I wake up with a vivid dream about something that has been troubling me and I don't know what to do about it. And so I write. I write and write and write, hoping to put that troubling thing aside or find the answer, thinking that there is some mystery buried in the dream, in my subconscious, if only I can reach it.

Since I cannot seem to find the answers for which I am searching, I turn instead to continue my reading in the first chapter of The Artist's Way. This, it seems to me, is a more productive use of time and may, eventually, trick my subconscious into shedding more light on certain subjects. The chapter today seems most fitting because it discusses "core negative beliefs" that block one's creativity as an artist. It discusses using positive affirmations to find and rid one's self of negative beliefs. Cameron suggests picking an affirmation and repeating it to see what happens, so here it goes:

I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.

Sure enough, my Censor (whom I like to call my Guilt Monster) rears its ugly head as I am writing and says all sorts of terrible things about me and my talent as I am trying to create positive affirmations. No surprise there. Having grown up in a culture where Guilt reigned supreme, I should not be surprised that my Guilt Monster wants to stick around. It's cozy here, warm and welcoming, and what's a homeless Guilt Monster to do? And so I keep him, throw him a bone, and continue blocking my own creativity.

Not any more!  I am sorry, Mr. Monster, but I am afraid that I will have to let you go. I know that this may take some time. You can be cute and furry and comforting and I am used to having you around, but I am afraid that you will have to go. You keep hurting me, and so I am going to build a shield that I can use in my defense until you finally decide to leave. This shield is made out of positive affirmations, just look:

I am creative.
I am a writer.
I am a good, brilliant, prolific, funny writer.
I am allowed to nurture my Artist.
My creative talents are a blessing and a gift and I will use them.

"Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage." -- Claude M. Bristol

Setting Intentions for 2011

It is the first day of 2011. I have never been one for resolutions because I feel they are usually just another way to feel guilt or shame and they are so rarely successful. Instead, I decided this year to set intentions for 2011.  The previous year seemed to be very difficult for most people I know and so part of me thinks that 2011 must be an improvement. Today is the day to start down that path of improvement.

I spent a few days thinking about what I wanted to do this year. My intentions for the year seemed to revolve around finishing a dissertation, writing more in my novel, discovering more ways to be artistic, improving my mental outlook, ensuring I have a job after June 1, and learning to be true to myself. This sounds like a broad scattering of things I would like to do, but I think that all can be classified under one heading: learning to be an artist.

When I was growing up, I thought that artists were people who painted or put together dynamic collages or sewed beautiful quilts or made every meal a beautiful feast fit for a five-star restaurant. None of those descriptions applied to me. I would look at those around me and think "I wish I could be more artistic," but nothing ever happened; I did not even try some things because I thought "I'm not the artistic type." As a teenager, I scoffed at those with artistic temperaments and thought that since that personality did not apply to me I could certainly never be artistic. I wanted stability, I had responsibilities, I could never just float through life on a wing and a paintbrush and expect it all to turn out well.

Instead, I would express my colorful nature through clothes, loud jewelry, bright colors on the living room walls.  This was not artistic, I thought, because it was something anyone could do. I would stay up late at night and write little stories about family trips and just share them with family on e-mail. This was not artistic, I thought, because it was something anyone could do. I would try new recipes and feed the masses of family and friends with the new loaves I kneaded and baked with love. This was not artistic, I thought, because it was something anyone could do.

It was not until 2008 that I started thinking, "Wait a minute. Maybe all of this is art, just not art like I'm used to." And maybe I could be artistic without having an artist's personality. I did not have to be the next Monet or the next Thomas Mann or even the next P.D.Q. Bach: I could be myself. And my self loved (loves) bright colors, good food, craft projects and photographs, writing and reading and gardening and life.

Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way helped me come to this realization about art.  As I wrote morning pages every day, as I walked the dog and absorbed the fresh air and beautiful scenery, I slowly started accepting myself as an artist, as someone who can be creative. And it really doesn't matter if I'm the next Monet or Mann or Mozart because I am not being creative for anyone else: I am being creative for me.

This brings me back to my intentions for 2011.  I have The Complete Artist's Way -- all three books in the series -- and I have been meaning to work through this in its entirety but I have not started. Or rather I start and then stop and then don't push myself to get back on the Horse of Another Color and keep going.  That is going to change this year.  There are 36 chapters total in this collection of three books.  I have 52 weeks in the year. And so I am going to start my artistic journey and see where I end up in 2011. According to Julia Cameron, I need a Creativity Contract, so here it goes:

I, MCB, understand that I am undertaking an intensive, guided encounter with my own creativity. I commit myself to the 36-week duration of the course. I, MCB, commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages, a weekly artist date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks. I, MCB, further understand that this course will raise issues and emotions with which I will have to deal. I, MCB, commit myself to excellent self-care -- adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and pampering -- for the duration of the course.

There. It's done. Let week one begin.