Today I had an all-day meeting at work. I was skeptical about this meeting, at first, because I did not necessarily agree with its stated premise. However, after the guest speaker this morning I started thinking. It turns out that I agreed with what the guest speaker had to say, but unfortunately that made me start thinking about my current place of employment and all the work I think that they need to do.
I am going to bed. I just didn't want to go to bed without writing something. This something is to say that deep thinking makes me very hungry. And very tired. (Perhaps if I thought that the situation for this particular place of employment wasn't so hopeless then I wouldn't be so tired, but that is complete speculation and so I cannot know for sure.) It's an odd combination. I may discuss that in greater detail tomorrow, or perhaps I'll just discuss the art of language and interpretation (which was my original plan as I sat in the meeting before it drained all life from my body), or perhaps I'll discuss something completely unrelated and I'll let this subject go the way of the dodo. Only time will tell.
I just didn't want to let a day go by without a posting. That is my Guilt Monster speaking, of course. I was at work and, for reasons best known only to those familiar with my particular place of employment, my work feeds the Monster. And that, definitely, is the subject of a future post.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Blogs and wistful (wishful?) thinking
Today is an exercise in mind over matter, as in I mind that this dissertation I am working on is not yet complete and it matters that I get it done. Being someone who always lives up to her responsibilities, I awoke, grabbed my computer, and promptly sat down to search for all those cute and creative blogs I stumbled across in December when looking for things-to-make-as-gifts. That's okay. Sometimes the path toward one's destination is not along the straight and narrow. And so I am going to indulge my need for detours with just a brief post on a few blogs that I've recently discovered.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/ -- I started reading this blog last week when a friend recommended the author's black-eyed peas recipe. I didn't end up using this recipe (my New Year's plans usurped by other recipes), but it inspired me to make something even easier, healthier, although still not vegan-friendly (with no apologies to those with cibophobia).
http://pistolsnprincesses.blogspot.com/ -- A friend's blog. She has the funniest stories!
http://orangette.blogspot.com/ -- My SIL shared this blog with me when she found her favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe here. I just appreciate the author's love of food.
http://moneysavingmom.com/ -- My Nay shared this with me because of all of the updates on how to save money and get good deals. And who doesn't like that?
And finally, I stumbled upon this today in an effort to find some blogs I originally found in December. I think I'll like this one, too: http://www.simplymodernmom.com/ I still did not find the blogs I was looking for, so maybe that's an adventure for another day.
These blogs inspire me. I like different aspects of each and find myself thinking I wish I had her humorous writing style or I wish I was that detailed or I wish I were that organized or sometimes, as in the case of a few of the better-known blogs, How in the world does that woman have the time to do everything? (It is the latter of which I am most jealous, obviously, since I am pretty sure that these women have discovered the secret to obtaining 36-hour days.) It was only today, in fact, that I realized it's okay to be myself, to not have all of these things that I admire in the blogs of other women. It sounds silly and strange, I know, to finally, at this point in my adult life, realize it's okay to be yourself! We teach children, or at least I tried to teach children, that the things that made them unique were valuable, and that when a bunch of admirable, unique people were combined and given a task they could produce something great, something imaginative, something beautiful. I am not sure why it takes so many years for me to learn the lessons I teach to children; I would say that I'm not very bright, but in reality I think that it has something to do with being stubborn.
My Stubborn Self seems to work in league with my Guilt Monster on days like these, telling me things that I don't want or need to know, things that are untrue. And so today I sat Stubborn Self and Guilt Monster down and gave them a good talking-to:
I was a bit forceful at the end. But that's okay. They needed to hear it and I needed to say it. Life is better when its filled with a kaleidoscope of individuals.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/ -- I started reading this blog last week when a friend recommended the author's black-eyed peas recipe. I didn't end up using this recipe (my New Year's plans usurped by other recipes), but it inspired me to make something even easier, healthier, although still not vegan-friendly (with no apologies to those with cibophobia).
http://pistolsnprincesses.blogspot.com/ -- A friend's blog. She has the funniest stories!
http://orangette.blogspot.com/ -- My SIL shared this blog with me when she found her favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe here. I just appreciate the author's love of food.
http://moneysavingmom.com/ -- My Nay shared this with me because of all of the updates on how to save money and get good deals. And who doesn't like that?
And finally, I stumbled upon this today in an effort to find some blogs I originally found in December. I think I'll like this one, too: http://www.simplymodernmom.com/ I still did not find the blogs I was looking for, so maybe that's an adventure for another day.
These blogs inspire me. I like different aspects of each and find myself thinking I wish I had her humorous writing style or I wish I was that detailed or I wish I were that organized or sometimes, as in the case of a few of the better-known blogs, How in the world does that woman have the time to do everything? (It is the latter of which I am most jealous, obviously, since I am pretty sure that these women have discovered the secret to obtaining 36-hour days.) It was only today, in fact, that I realized it's okay to be myself, to not have all of these things that I admire in the blogs of other women. It sounds silly and strange, I know, to finally, at this point in my adult life, realize it's okay to be yourself! We teach children, or at least I tried to teach children, that the things that made them unique were valuable, and that when a bunch of admirable, unique people were combined and given a task they could produce something great, something imaginative, something beautiful. I am not sure why it takes so many years for me to learn the lessons I teach to children; I would say that I'm not very bright, but in reality I think that it has something to do with being stubborn.
My Stubborn Self seems to work in league with my Guilt Monster on days like these, telling me things that I don't want or need to know, things that are untrue. And so today I sat Stubborn Self and Guilt Monster down and gave them a good talking-to:
"Now listen, you two, I am fine the way I am. The reason I like all of these blogs is because they offer something unique. The authors were born with gifts that make them special. I have things that make me special. And however much I've thought otherwise in the past, I don't want my blog to look like those of others! Who wants to read the same thing all the time? So let me be, let me do my own thing, and let me enjoy the blogs I read without you getting in the way!!"
I was a bit forceful at the end. But that's okay. They needed to hear it and I needed to say it. Life is better when its filled with a kaleidoscope of individuals.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Dates and Monsters
This morning I was thinking about what I would do for my weekly Artist's Date and I came to one conclusion: I have no idea.
In 2008, when I first went through The Artist's Way (Okay, honesty time here: part of The Artist's Way. Go away, Guilt Monster, I don't need you here. I know I chose to stop part way through the book, and no, that does not mean that I'll do the same thing this time.), I was faithful with morning pages but never gave myself a weekly Artist's Date. Truth be told, I didn't see that as a priority. And if we look at the whole truth, I gave myself plenty of excuses for ignoring the portion of the book that says "these are mandatory, just like morning pages."
My resistance to the notion of Artist's Dates this time around sounds very much the same. My Guilt Monster (my own Jewish version of the Critic) rears its (ugly?) head and tells me all sorts of reasons why I just cannot buckle down and give myself time for a date:
In 2008, when I first went through The Artist's Way (Okay, honesty time here: part of The Artist's Way. Go away, Guilt Monster, I don't need you here. I know I chose to stop part way through the book, and no, that does not mean that I'll do the same thing this time.), I was faithful with morning pages but never gave myself a weekly Artist's Date. Truth be told, I didn't see that as a priority. And if we look at the whole truth, I gave myself plenty of excuses for ignoring the portion of the book that says "these are mandatory, just like morning pages."
My resistance to the notion of Artist's Dates this time around sounds very much the same. My Guilt Monster (my own Jewish version of the Critic) rears its (ugly?) head and tells me all sorts of reasons why I just cannot buckle down and give myself time for a date:
- I don't have time to devote 2-ish hours to myself for something this childish. Couldn't I be doing something more productive? (My response, Guilt Monster: Go Away. I am taking care of me. I deserve a couple hours for me. Everyone else can have all my other hours, but these are mine.)
- I have no idea what to do. Isn't that a waste? Shouldn't I have a plan??? (Stupid Guilt Monster! I don't have to always be planned! I could try to paint something, or write a bit of my novel. I could decorate a cake or cookies. I could go for a long walk. Or maybe, just maybe, if the Universe gave me the snow day that I want for Thursday and just the right amount of snow, I could make a snowman! Or a snow family!!)
- If my artist is a child, that means I have no idea what my artist wants to do or would find fun because I have no idea what it was like to be a child (although there have been numerous times in my life when I have been childish -- sorry, Honey). If I never was a child, then this is just another ridiculous exercise in futility, this attempt to nurture some sort of inner creative child. (Guilt Monster, I am warning you -- you're on thin ice today! I may not know what children like, but I know what I like and I'll just go with that and eventually my creative child will let me know. Hopefully it won't involve adding more furry animals to the house...I think my child likes animals.)
Monday, January 3, 2011
"Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand." -- Baruch Spinoza
This is my third day in a row of morning pages -- today I actually wrote in the morning! -- and already I am reawakening my original suspicion about them, developed in 2008, that they really are magical. Of course I do not mean magic as in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, but more along the lines of something powerful. There is something to be said for writing one's ramblings and purging one's mind for a few minutes each day. For me, that act allows my brain to look for other entertainment, other thoughts and ideas. Usually, after a few days of pages my novel's plot jumps into focus and I know what happens next, or I have clarity for the direction my week should take, or I have more energy.
Or, like today, I wake up with a vivid dream about something that has been troubling me and I don't know what to do about it. And so I write. I write and write and write, hoping to put that troubling thing aside or find the answer, thinking that there is some mystery buried in the dream, in my subconscious, if only I can reach it.
Since I cannot seem to find the answers for which I am searching, I turn instead to continue my reading in the first chapter of The Artist's Way. This, it seems to me, is a more productive use of time and may, eventually, trick my subconscious into shedding more light on certain subjects. The chapter today seems most fitting because it discusses "core negative beliefs" that block one's creativity as an artist. It discusses using positive affirmations to find and rid one's self of negative beliefs. Cameron suggests picking an affirmation and repeating it to see what happens, so here it goes:
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
Sure enough, my Censor (whom I like to call my Guilt Monster) rears its ugly head as I am writing and says all sorts of terrible things about me and my talent as I am trying to create positive affirmations. No surprise there. Having grown up in a culture where Guilt reigned supreme, I should not be surprised that my Guilt Monster wants to stick around. It's cozy here, warm and welcoming, and what's a homeless Guilt Monster to do? And so I keep him, throw him a bone, and continue blocking my own creativity.
Not any more! I am sorry, Mr. Monster, but I am afraid that I will have to let you go. I know that this may take some time. You can be cute and furry and comforting and I am used to having you around, but I am afraid that you will have to go. You keep hurting me, and so I am going to build a shield that I can use in my defense until you finally decide to leave. This shield is made out of positive affirmations, just look:
I am creative.
I am a writer.
I am a good, brilliant, prolific, funny writer.
I am allowed to nurture my Artist.
My creative talents are a blessing and a gift and I will use them.
"Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage." -- Claude M. Bristol
Or, like today, I wake up with a vivid dream about something that has been troubling me and I don't know what to do about it. And so I write. I write and write and write, hoping to put that troubling thing aside or find the answer, thinking that there is some mystery buried in the dream, in my subconscious, if only I can reach it.
Since I cannot seem to find the answers for which I am searching, I turn instead to continue my reading in the first chapter of The Artist's Way. This, it seems to me, is a more productive use of time and may, eventually, trick my subconscious into shedding more light on certain subjects. The chapter today seems most fitting because it discusses "core negative beliefs" that block one's creativity as an artist. It discusses using positive affirmations to find and rid one's self of negative beliefs. Cameron suggests picking an affirmation and repeating it to see what happens, so here it goes:
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
I, MCB, am a brilliant and prolific writer.
Sure enough, my Censor (whom I like to call my Guilt Monster) rears its ugly head as I am writing and says all sorts of terrible things about me and my talent as I am trying to create positive affirmations. No surprise there. Having grown up in a culture where Guilt reigned supreme, I should not be surprised that my Guilt Monster wants to stick around. It's cozy here, warm and welcoming, and what's a homeless Guilt Monster to do? And so I keep him, throw him a bone, and continue blocking my own creativity.
Not any more! I am sorry, Mr. Monster, but I am afraid that I will have to let you go. I know that this may take some time. You can be cute and furry and comforting and I am used to having you around, but I am afraid that you will have to go. You keep hurting me, and so I am going to build a shield that I can use in my defense until you finally decide to leave. This shield is made out of positive affirmations, just look:
I am creative.
I am a writer.
I am a good, brilliant, prolific, funny writer.
I am allowed to nurture my Artist.
My creative talents are a blessing and a gift and I will use them.
"Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage." -- Claude M. Bristol
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Week One: Sense of Safety
It is the first week of the year, and with that goes the first chapter in the first book of The Complete Artist's Way. This chapter, entitled Week 1: Recovering a Sense of Safety is designed to begin one on the path of removing roadblocks to creativity. I have my share of those roadblocks, like the feelings of exhaustion I get when thinking about certain tasks, even likable tasks (such as adding to the novel). Perhaps the roadblocks are the results of underlying fears, or maybe, at least in the case of the feelings of exhaustion, I really am just too tired. (Or, as my sister would say, Vitamin B deficient.)
One of the supportive elements that I have going for me is my wonderful Mr. B, aka "Honey." At first I was a bit hesitant -- should I share about my personal goal for the year (working through this book) when it might seem or sound silly? But I took the plunge and was rewarded with enthusiasm and support. What a great way to start the year!
I am in the first week, I've written morning pages each day (although not necessarily in the morning), and I've started reading the first chapter of the first book. All in all, not a bad start. What will tomorrow bring?
One of the supportive elements that I have going for me is my wonderful Mr. B, aka "Honey." At first I was a bit hesitant -- should I share about my personal goal for the year (working through this book) when it might seem or sound silly? But I took the plunge and was rewarded with enthusiasm and support. What a great way to start the year!
I am in the first week, I've written morning pages each day (although not necessarily in the morning), and I've started reading the first chapter of the first book. All in all, not a bad start. What will tomorrow bring?
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