Top Five Things You Should Never Say to a Woman Without Children.

A friend of mine -- a wonderful mother with four kids -- recently shared an article entitled 15 Things You Should Never Say to the Mom of a Large Family.  Having grown up as the oldest of seven children and within a community where families ranged from six to thirteen kids, I've heard all of these many times.  (Side note: I don't think of four children as a large family, but I think that's because of the way I was raised.)  I grew into the habit of saying "Yes, I'm the oldest of seven. No, we're not Mormon or Catholic."  There are some choice phrases that my adult self would add to that spiel now if the opportunity presented itself, but thankfully I haven't had to worry about that too much.

Instead, I get a different type of ignorant questions or assumptions thrown my way because I've been married for nearly 11 years and I don't have children -- at least not in the traditional sense.  And so I've decided to write my own blog post.

Top Five Things You Should Never Say to a Woman Without Children


1. You'll never know true love until you have a child. -- Yes, me, Jesus, and Mother Theresa have no concept of love or its power because we are childless.


2. Who will take care of you in your old age? -- Oh, silly me, I forgot. Let me rush right out and have a baby because the only reason to bring a life into this world is so that someone can put me in a home when I turn 80.


3. Want to watch my kids? It'll be good birth control. -- Of course. The only reason I don't have kids is because I babysit frequently, not because I have made an independent conscious decision.


4. You'll never know the pain and self-sacrifice of being a parent. -- See answer #1.  Or read this.


5. You and your spouse are intelligent and financially stable. You'd be good parents. It's your duty to have children. -- I'd like to point out that intelligence and financial stability are wonderful to have when raising kids, but love and the desire to have children and raise them well is even more important. Too many kids in my generation came into the world because their parents felt a "duty." Now they're all in therapy.


And, just for fun, let's throw in a bonus:

6. You'll change your mind. -- Perhaps.  Then again, maybe not.  You probably don't know me very well if you think this.  I also find it funny that people usually say this within a minute or two of yelling at their own children and then saying how wonderful parenthood is.




Perhaps what it all boils down to is this: let people make their own decisions and don't assume that just because you want a particular life that everyone else must want the same.

*steps off soapbox*

2012 Goals Check-In

At the beginning of the year, I set goals for the things I wanted to accomplish.  Some goals were big (finishing three tomes and blogging about them, writing for publication), some were small (craft more, blog more), but all were important.  And now that we've reached the end of January, I thought that it would be good to check on my progress.  After all, we're 1/12th of the way through the year!  Doesn't it sound scary when you put it that way?

• Goal #4: Write notes and letters more often.  I've made it through each week of this month having written at least one note or letter to someone somewhere in my life!
• Goal #7: Craft more. I'm sitting nearly every evening with some sort of project on my lap -- usually just something simple, like a necklace made of ribbons and fake pearls, but it's still crafty.  And I have a few projects this week that I'd like to do (but they'll probably have to wait for Saturday).
• Goal #8: Blog more.  Well that's sure happening!  I fell off the blogging bandwagon in a big way last year and I'm slowly making my way back.  It's still not one post a day, as I would like, but it's getting there.
• Goal #9: Exercise more. The treadmill desk that Honey made is making this an easier goal.  I was doing some ab and arm exercises, too, and I've been a bit lazy these past ten days or so, so I need to get back into that habit, but all in all...hopefully I'm on the way to a summer dress body.
• Goal #10: Spend less.  Is this a "remains to be seen"?  If we talk about spending on all but pet medical necessities, then I have succeeded for this month.  Of course pet medical necessities can blow a budget out of the water and I should make up for that by cutting back (cutting back what?!), and I haven't, so...
• Goal #13:Take a class.  I am and I love it!  More on that later...maybe.
• Goal #18:Figure out what I want to do for a career. I've got it!  And I'll share it with the world, but probably not until sometime in February...I've got to set a few things up first.

I've had a few derailments this month, not the least of which was Nicky's sudden illness.  He is still stable, which is a miracle, and we're playing a waiting game knowing that his body will probably not be able to stay much longer.  We're all thankful for the time we have, it's just that sometimes the time with furry babies is cut short.

I've also learned a few things about myself -- like I don't like doing 30-Day Challenges.  I'm going to blame it on my adult ADD because I just can't seem to stay focused enough to do something like that every single day, even if it's supposed to be fun (like photos).  The challenge makes it seem like work.  So I'm done with that.  (Please remind me I said this when I get the bright idea to do another challenge, which I probably will at some point this year.)

I'm ready for February.  Ready to get back on track.  Ready to learn more about myself and reach my goals. 2012, here it goes!

Snow day?

I love snow.  But like any true Pacific Northwester, I like snow in small doses -- enough to cause a snow day or two, but not enough to completely shut down life as we know it for weeks on end.  Unlike other places that get snow consistently, our transportation system is not equipped to deal with massive amounts of snow and so we are ridiculed by other, harsher climates for our immediate inclination to shut down and hide indoors.

I like it. Waking to a winter wonderland means working from home, baking, crafting, breathing a bit easier because it's a "free day."  A fun day.

Perhaps my feelings are merely hangers-on from when I was a teacher and just wanted a break from 14- or 15-hour days. Certainly I have more flexibility now, and there is no reason why I should feel more crafty when I see the snow (even though I do) or why food should taste better on a snow day (even though it does).  But my experience as a teacher also means that I cannot quite wish for snow days the way that I used to.  You see, when I see the snow my first inclination is to be ecstatic and wish for more...and my second is to think about all the children who go to school because it's warmer or safer than home and it's a place to get a meal.  What will those children do?  And a snow day means that people who work an hourly, minimum-wage job, like my sister, may not get the hours (and wages) they need to be able to pay bills and to eat.  What will those people do?

I can wish with all my might that this country would provide better safety nets, allowing these children and adults to live with fewer difficulties and allowing me to live with less guilt about my snow dance, but all the wishing in the world does not change the way things are right now.  And so my Guilt Monster rears its ugly head, a product of my upbringing that included a triptych of guilt, Jewish, Christian fundamentalist, and Lutheran varieties all playing games to see who wins my liberal bleeding heart this time.  I resign and stop my snow dance, my snow song, and my endless snow-wishing.

And so, Universe, you can snow if you want to.  It's pretty.  We like it.  Many kids are dancing and teachers praying for just such a midwinter's miracle.  Just please...keep it reasonable.  And keep everyone safe.

Well, they're not wrong...

I'm currently reading Philippa Gregory's new book, The Lady of the Rivers, about Jocquetta, Duchess of Bedford, who married her squire, had fourteen children, and whose daughter and granddaughter both became queens of England (pre-Henry VIII).

A number of these books involve "wise women" and a bit of what some people might call witchcraft.  Or magic. Or psychic powers.  Whatever.  I find it fascinating to read.

I have been curious about tarot for a while, and so after reading about it in this book I decided to do a bit of searching online.  I discovered there are different types of tarot and various decks with different meanings.  Some people believe that you can learn lessons from spirit worlds by using the cards.  Since I don't know much about tarot even after reading a bit, I won't say yea or nay to this idea (even though The Crazymaker has assured me all my life that things like tarot are straight from The Devil).  I will say that after going to tarot.com and just checking to see what it had to say about me based on my date of birth, it is remarkably accurate.  
"When it comes to accumulating wealth, you're so good at seeing things through others' eyes that it's easy to get their financial support. You can seem so cool and reasonable, but underneath burns a desire that won't quit until you get what you want. It's this ability to stay calm on the outside while being so passionate on the inside that leads you to prosperity.

You get such great results because you know which buttons to push without coming across as pushy. Your ability not only to read people, but to read situations, makes you a master at strategy. Patience is one of your allies, because you understand the importance of timing.

When you're as committed to reaching a goal as you are, there's no doubt that you're going to succeed. While some people might give up, you're so focused and committed that you'll stick to it for as long as it takes.

Your psychic powers are at their strongest when engaged in some artistic activity like writing, dancing or playing music. It's as though your third eye is opened when you are exposed to beauty.

You do your best creative work when you are immersed in gorgeous surroundings - you might feel like you are channeling messages through your pen, paintbrush or musical instrument. Your Neptune in Sagittarius gives you a special appreciation for art from other cultures. There's a good chance that you get strong psychic messages when traveling through unfamiliar places.

If you don't have any creative hobbies, you should take one up as a means to develop your sixth sense. You'll be amazed at how much stronger your instincts become after you've been sculpting, sewing or scrapbooking for just a few minutes. Working with an intimate partner can also strengthen your psychic abilities, as having someone to talk with can help you see issues in a whole new light. The more versatile your outlook, the more perceptive you'll be."

I find that interesting. Perhaps I should test it with Honey to see if that reading is the same.

Moving into the future

Life often takes unexpected turns. At least my life does.  I have learned to be flexible, prepared to know that what I planned for my day, week, year, career, family may not turn out the way that I want.  This is difficult for me.  I like being prepared.  I like having a plan and sticking to it.  I like organization and expectations and rules and I don't like the unpredictable.  It seems that Life and I have a difference of opinion there.

I was thinking about that today as I helped Tin Man load some of his stuff from the garage into the back of the truck.  Tin Man signed the papers on an apartment today.  It's a nice place, relatively inexpensive for the city because it's in a neighborhood that ten years ago was very scary but has now gentrified...slightly.  (If by gentrified one means "apartment dwellers do not need to worry about being randomly shot, so as long as you stay clear of gang and drug involvement you're fine.")  It's a very short commute by bike to school and it just happens to be within biking distance of a very cute girl, so Tin Man loves it.  And I think that he's a bit relieved to be moving.  He started staying in our basement in July with the plan being that he'd be on the couch for two weeks, maybe three, and then he'd have his own place.  Obviously things did not work out that way and honestly I enjoyed having him around.  The house will seem too quiet with him gone.

We still, of course, have The Teenager.  He just started fall term classes yesterday and I am hoping for a more successful, productive, working relationship through the term so that he can finish with high marks.  I want him to be a success, but whether or not that happens will be up to him and sometimes it seems like I am fighting a losing battle.  We brought him in to our house in the spring because he said he believed he would start going to school again (instead of being a drop out) and would get his life back on track if he lived here.  Then we had several months of me in the parental role, tearing my hair out because I was dealing with an obnoxious teen. Two weeks ago, Honey suggested that we have a formal, serious, sit-down conversation to talk about expectations before the school year started.  Through that, we've agreed -- the three of us -- to be more purposeful about this relationship.  It's hard because the patterns that I would want to establish if I had a child all his life are nonexistent here.  Something as simple as a family meal where everyone shares about their day (or week) and sits politely until the last person is finished eating is still rather foreign to him.  I don't know what the term holds with regard to The Teenager and I know I need to be patient and flexible.  Honey is a saint in the midst of all of this, never wanting children in the house but willing to support me in the effort to save this one.  I wish I could say the same about my family. One would think that they'd be happy to see The Teenager back in school and in a structured home, but that seems to be asking too much.  And so for now it seems like me and Honey against the world, cajoling a cranky teen on the path toward a brighter future.

The Teenager did help me with a little pet issue.  The Cougar has a small dog.  I do not like small dogs.  I especially do not like spoiled small dogs.  But I try to have compassion for this one.  I tolerate him because he's been a part of our lives almost as long as Lotus, my lovely baby.  He knows boundaries at my house (probably because Honey and I are the only people who ever give him boundaries) and he tolerates life when he is with me.  This dog had an accident the other night -- somehow managing to pull his back legs out of the sockets.  Being a compassionate person (or a sucker, depending on one's point of view), I gave up most of my plans yesterday and today to care for this dog while The Cougar was at work.  After two days of this I think I'll need to find the courage and strength to say "thanks but no thanks" to another day -- I am through trying to force feed a biting dog his medicine and food.  Taking care of him has derailed most of my plans for the past two days, things like planning for workshops that I'm leading next month.  I cannot, however, blame The Cougar for my plans being derailed.  I was the one who said that I would help.  I have a hard time saying no.

That inability or unwillingness to say no on a regular basis is what gets me into trouble.  Or I should say it's what keeps me running a million miles an hour even without a job.  You need someone to watch a kid or pet? I'll do it.  You need someone to help with curriculum, planning, workshops?  Great, count me in.  You need a grant writer?  No problem!  And little by little my time is eaten away by all the things I've said I'd do to help others.  Last week and this week have me thinking a lot about boundaries, priorities, and being intentional.  It's time to refocus...again.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons I don't have a job right now.  Other aspects of life require too much attention.  I keep searching and searching and searching and every time I get an interview or multiple interviews I start thinking "This is it!" Needless to say, I've been wrong.  And so I am back to the drawing board.  Today I was in a meeting (helping people I worked with last year get a few things figured out for this school year -- Honey says I'm a sucker but I like helping people), and a woman asked me what I would really love to do in an ideal world.  That's a good question, one I struggle to answer.  But if I were really honest I think my job would be some sort of educational consultant, someone who helps students and teachers.  But I would just do that for part of my time.  The other part would be caring for my family, gardening, preserving food, cooking...and writing.  Walking the dog.  Enjoying life.  Why not have my cake and eat it too?

I had an idea for an educational service company the first time I was unemployed, before I worked at a university and finished my doctorate.  I still love the idea, a blend of the best of home and private and public education.  Something I would do for my own children if I had any.  Perfect Fit Education is a dream and right now it seems like a pipe dream but maybe it's time to brush off the dream, polish it a little, and see if I can make it a reality. After all, if I want to move into the future there's no time like the present.

Money Can't Buy Happiness

So I'm back.  Back to blogging.  Back to housework.  Back to job interviews.  Back to being unemployed.  Back to trying to figure out what in the heck I want to do with my life.

I think I see a problem.  I've held a lot of jobs in my life: babysitter, office manager, test processor, curriculum writer, tutor, teacher, administrator and a bazillion other things.  However, I've never held a job for three or more years.  Never. Ever.  Not on purpose.  There were several jobs that I loved and would've gladly stayed in for years.  But most of the time in my life I end up being the person whose contract ends, the one who gets letters that says she's the most incredible worker and the best at her job and it's a shame she was RIF-ed.  And so this time around I wanted to find a job that I would be happy to stay in for at least three years, preferably five.

I don't know what that job looks like.

And the most difficult thing about being stuck in this place is that I don't know where I want to be in five or ten years and so I can't really plan what I need to do to get there.  With school it was different and I ran full steam ahead to reach the end of the road.  With students it is different because I can listen to them and then articulate what they want and the steps needed to get there.  When it comes to me I am stuck.

Someone once told me it was because I was good at doing a lot of different things and so I get distracted.  This may be true.

Last month, I went through an identity exercise, courtesy of my dear friend Jan.  She created My Brand of Teaching and designed a workshop called The Big Brand Build. Going through that process helped me define myself and my talents and see how I could utilize them in a number of fields.  It helped me see that I am valuable.  But now I need to figure out how that turns into a career and some income.

Today I had a job interview for a job I could do in a district I don't care about.  The job pays really, really well -- especially compared to my last job.  But it's a job with late hours at night so I'd never see my family.  There are other issues -- some major -- with the job as well, but the main problem for me is that I would never be home in the evening during the week (I'd get home around 10PM).  Now I do believe that a difficult job that leads to something better, something I'd love, is fine for short term.  But does this particular job actually lead to something better?  I don't see it.

Later this week -- on Friday -- I meet with a director of a new start-up about a possible job there doing something that I love and that I've been doing for the past couple years.  Being a new company, the pay might be low and inconsistent for the first year...or two...and so if I were just making a decision based on finances, I would choose the other job.  But I want some place where I'd be happy.  Some place flexible.  Some place where I can be effective.

And I still don't know where that is.

A number of people have told me "A job is a job."  But money can't buy happiness [and to my siblings, "Money can't buy knives."].

And apparently a doctorate still doesn't tell you what you want to be when you grow up.

Week Six: Recovering a Sense of Abundance

I'm returning to my "go through one chapter a week" plan with The Artist's Way.  Week five derailed me for a bit, for whatever reason, but I'm back! And not a moment too soon.  Week six is all about tackling a "major creative block -- money."

Confession: I have a serious money problem.  And it's not just a spending problem.  It's a problem discussing money.  Period.  Oh sure, I have the "If I won the lottery, I'd..." conversations, but when it comes to a serious conversation I freeze up.  And run away.  And avoid it at all costs.

Confession #2: I am actively working to overcome this issue.  Needless to say, it's made life a bit difficult, since said life is supposed to include a partnership over budget issues.

I can stretch a penny like nobody's business. For example, I can usually figure out how to feed 12-16 people for under $50 and still have it look like this:

If the budget for the meal is even smaller, the dinner may look like this:

And, for the past few months, I've kept it to under $25, which means only making one or two dishes (usually a huge pot of stew or soup and a salad), but I can still feed everyone.

My sister wins in the buying-things arena because she can coupon shop better than anyone I know and can usually bring home a carload full of goods from Target or Rite Aid for next to nothing.  We both had to learn, growing up with very little.  We know how to stretch, how to make do, and how to enjoy.

Confession #3: I hate the word "budget."  I feel like I'm going into convulsions when I hear it.  For years I didn't know why, and I still don't think that I truly understand everything, but now I have a feeling that it probably has something to do with budget = not enough.  At least in my mind.  And I always worry about not having enough.  Ask my family.  They'll tell you that usually I make too much food.  That, I think, is left from the days of always being hungry, eating very little.

Growing up, money always caused fights.  Perhaps that's another reason why I avoid it.  I don't like confrontation.  Oh sure, I'll become Darth Vader on steroids if I feel someone is threatening one of my babies, but other than that I avoid conflict. (I'm working on that, too.)

Julia Cameron writes that most of us believe that work is work, play is fun, and the two don't intersect.  We somehow feel like what we have to do with our lives and what we want to do are two different things.  I know I definitely believed that growing up!  Now I have a few lovely women in my life who show me that life can be different.  They have embraced their creativity and their desires and have found a way to work from this depth.  It's truly inspirational.

And so as part of this week's tasks, I'm to write in my morning pages about the god I believe in and the god I want to believe in.  Those tend to be two different versions of reality.  And yet if I go back to the beginning of my journey into The Artist's Way I remember that my creativity and desires come from someplace.  If I believe that they come from God, then shouldn't I also believe that this Creator has given me the means to use my own creativity?

It seems Peanuts was on the right track:

Our Puritan work ethic here in the US seems to tell us that hard work = value/good, so something that is easy must have a lesser value.  Why is that?  Maybe we have certain talents and so particular tasks just seem easy or more fun or less stressful because we are working from within our talents instead of fighting against them.  It doesn't necessarily mean less work, just a different kind of work.

Part of this old cliche, "let go and let God," really seems to be about money.  If I believe in scarcity, then that is what I'll face.  If I believe in abundance, then that is what I'll see.  I've tried this on a small scale, being intentional about little things, trusting that everything will work out, and when I am really focused on that intentionality, life tends to appear very abundant indeed.

Julia Cameron has a different way of putting this, "Because art is born in expansion, in a belief in sufficiency of supply, it is critical that we pamper ourselves for the sense of abundance it brings to us." Pampering may take many different forms.  For me, there are a few things that make me feel really good, and they aren't even that extravagant:

A good cup of coffee

A good book

Pretty stationary, usually greeting cards

A meal from one of my favorite fast food places -- Pizza Scmizza or Burgerville or Baja Fresh

But I realized recently that even though these are little things, I don't always indulge.  I would really love to go to a coffee shop by myself and sit for an hour and just write.  So why don't I do that?  I have plenty of excuses -- many legitimate -- but I can't blame God or the Universe or whatever for holding me back when I don't take the first step myself.

And so the tasks this week are focused on allowing little luxuries and looking at abundance:

• Find five pretty or interesting rocks or flowers or leaves as a reminder that abundance is in nature.
• Bake something. (There is a nutmeg donut recipe I've been wanting to try!)
• Send notes -- postcards or the like -- to five friends.
• Reread the Basic Principles and the Artist's Prayer each day.
• Say "yes!" to freebies.
• Collect images that represent what you'd love doing in life.
• Change or clear something in the home environment.

This week is a busy week, full of more work assignments and school assignments and other pressing tasks than I care to admit.  But I am going to find the time to create a little luxury in life, let my artist breathe a bit, and reflect on life's abundance.

Every day is a learning experience

Sometimes I wonder how people could possibly be bored. Growing up there were a few things that I heard consistently from adults: "Boredom is a function of your own mind" and "If you're bored, I'll give you something to do."  The lesson I took with me into adulthood is that there is always something to do, and thus the idea of boredom is completely lost on me.  Now, I have felt at times that I just didn't want to do something -- that's different.  But I could never be bored, especially when each day provided such a variety of new learning experiences.

Take today, for example.  I have to learn how to nicely, delicately work with a colleague.  This has never been my strong suit and it is high time for me to learn this valuable skill.  My issue today is that I am responsible for the supervision of someone, say Student A, and my colleague thinks that my student isn't quite up to par.  I, on the other hand, quite strongly disagree and I have facts, observations, and years of experience with which to back that conclusion. I also know that said colleague is not at all familiar with Student A's particular area of expertise and is making a judgment based on limited information.  So how do I keep the colleague satisfied that Student A is progressing and keep mentoring Student A in a reliable and trustworthy manner?  How do I reinstate the peace between all groups?

The biggest issue for me, I think, is that I tend to be rather blunt.  Sometimes when I feel like a person is an idiot or ignorant or whatever I tend to let that show.  Over the past few years I've learned, through trial and error, that it's not a good idea to be quite that blunt.  I have to finesse situations, all the while saying that I am being true to Truth and to Myself.

It's hard to learn that being blunt and being honest are not always the same thing.  Sometimes one can be honest without being so blunt, so brutal. That is what I am trying to learn.

Week Four: Tasks

I like the tasks for this week.  One very beneficial aspect of going through The Artist's Way is that it provides more opportunity for reflection.

As part of my job, I help arrange "webinars" for teachers on particular topics that might be interesting or useful for professional development.  This week, we had a lovely speaker, Jan Black, who shared her business, which is helping people find their "core brilliance" and, in the case of teachers, develop their "brand of teaching."  The whole idea is that when people understand what truly motivates them, the thing that they are passionate about, and they work from that thing, they will feel more satisfied, suffer less burnout, be more fulfilled.  I do believe it's true!  And while yesterday was my third time listening to how the process of discovering one's core brilliance works, it was the first time that I felt struck by lightening: I think I've discovered, at least in part, my core brilliance: creating.  I kept thinking about all the things that I like to do and wondering what they could possibly have in common, but I think now I know. Everything I enjoy is about creating something, whether it's creating critical thinkers and good citizens, creating meals, creating quilts or art projects or organized space, it all has the same underlying theme.

The tasks for this week will, I believe, help me delve into deeper reflection regarding this core identity. Again, like last week I am not going to do absolutely all of the tasks, but I'll pick a few, list them here, and then we'll see what happens.

1. Describe your ideal environment (urban, rural, swanky, cozy).  I think that I already started to do that in a blog post earlier this week.  To that post I would add that I enjoy being in rural places as long as I can get to "civilization" (i.e., Target, World Market, Barnes & Noble) in a short drive.  I'd much rather live on acres in the countryside, able to walk into a quiet and cozy little town and find a cute little coffee shop on the weekend, than be trapped in suburbia or an urban highrise.  I hate living in neighborhoods.  Just the idea -- even if each house is on a half-acre lot -- makes my skin crawl.  That is, perhaps, one of the reasons why I love our current house so much: I can walk Lotus through quiet neighborhoods but we always return to our home that sits by itself and looks out over the foothills.   There have been times that I've thought it would be nice to live in a city just because everything is so close, but that's really not me...maybe it's the Fake Me who has tons of money and owns a vacation loft.
2. Create a "private space" in the house, an area to sit and dream and reflect...and write morning pages. Perhaps this is a project for my Saturday?
3. Plan an Extended Artist's Date (one that would take a whole weekend day).  I know that Artist's Dates are supposed to be solo, but I would love for this extended date to involve Honey and Lotus.  Maybe we could get out, go for a drive, hike a bit, take pictures of nature, stop and eat at a cute little cafe.  That's what I want to do.
4. Get rid of a "low esteem" outfit from the closet. (Good Will, you're welcome.)
5. Describe yourself at 80. [This corresponds with another task that I am choosing not to do this week: describe myself at 8. I don't remember much of life before I turned 19 or 20 unless someone reminds me of something specific. I think it's best that way, because when I start to remember I think Oh, this is why I wanted to forget. So eight year-old me is just going to have to stay hidden.]  I think that I will have to take Lotus for a walk and think about my 80-year-old self.

See?  All good tasks -- and a bit fun, too. 

For a bunch of hooey, this is certainly filled with striking coincidences.

I've been reading up on numerology a bit lately, just out of curiosity.  Sometimes I wonder if I should find a book rather than rely on Google searches, in the hopes that I can actually find more answers.  I tend to think that it's probably just a bunch of hooey, but it's interesting and it provides a few minutes' distraction when I'm supposed to be doing something that I don't want to do.  So yesterday I read for a few minutes about "special traits/talents numbers."  The idea is that one assigns each letter in one's full name a number, and then the numbers are counted up and one's "special trait" number is based on whatever number appears in a "higher than average" ratio.  (Who even comes up with these things? And how does one come up with a system/theory like this??)

It took me about two minutes (maybe) to calculate my name and realize that I had four numbers that popped out (is that supposed to happen?): 1, 3, 5, 9.  And most of those appeared quite frequently, meaning, supposedly, that it's a very strong trait.  Like I said, I don't really believe in this stuff, I'm just curious (I want to know how it started, why, etc.), but I did find the descriptions very interesting:

1: You are strong-willed, assertive and possibly destined to be a leader. The more 1's in your name, the more tyrannical others will probably find your personality.
Well, I've been told I can be intimidating just by being me, so I guess that fits.  I'd just hate to be called tyrannical.

3: Chances are that you possess an extraordinary talent of some kind. The more threes that are in your name the more multi-faceted or stronger your talents are.
I have no idea if I have any special talent, but I am working to find it this year and discover my "core brilliance," whatever it may be.

5: You are likely to be a bit of a maverick who enjoys traveling and meeting people.  If you have a lot of fives you may be easily distracted and often accused of having too many projects going at one
time. Staying in one place bores you.
Okay, now this really hit the nail on the head, so to speak. One of my brothers was just telling me the other day that I need to focus because I always have too many things going on.  And I am always looking for something exciting, a change of some sort.


9: You are an idealistic individual who is probably generous and self-sacrificing to a fault. The more 9's you have in your name, the more likely you are to be perceived as a fanatic or religious extremist. Nines in your name can also signify psychic talent.
I definitely used to be fanatical and extreme! I like to think that I'm more balanced now.  But I also would hope that I am generous towards others.


So it's not much, really, just interesting, and I thought I would share.

Week Four: Recovering a Sense of Integrity

"This week may find you grappling with changing self-definition."  I wonder if that applies when I am still searching for what defines me?  It is suiting, then, that part of my job today involved hosting an online presentation by a woman who works with teachers to help them discover their "core brilliance" (whatever drives them/is unique to them) and their "brand of teaching."  This is something I am trying to discover.  I have plenty of words that I think suit me, and I know how some people describe me, but it is not yet distilled into a one sentence "I'm all about..." statement.  And so I reflect, and reflect, and reflect....

The morning pages are a useful tool of self-reflection, but I find that for me, at least, they work best in conjunction with a 30-45 minute walk. Since I live in a place that rains a lot, walking outside is not always possible.  The best days, at least based on my first attempt to journey through The Artist's Way in 2008, are when I have time to write morning pages, take a walk, work in the garden, and then come inside to work on my novel.  The quiet of the outside is inspiring.  It allows my thoughts to roam on their own, searching for new fields in which to graze. Those days are so wonderful!  And perhaps that is why when I picture retirement (many years away), this is what comes to mind: my ideal day.

As part of the work for this week, week four, the end of the first month, I am to do a few things very quickly (without time for Guilt Monster to pop up and start talking -- it's so exhausting to have a dialogue with him!):

1. List five hobbies that sound fun.
1. Tennis
2. Drag-racing
3. Horse-back riding
4. Painting
5. Dancing
2. List five classes that sound fun.
1. Painting
2. Sculpting
3. Photography
4. Tai Chi
5. Zoomba
3. List five things you personally would never do that sound fun.
1. Skydiving
2. Scuba diving
3. Pole dancing
4. Singing on stage in a Barbara Streisand competition (is there such a thing?)
5. I don't know what else...
4. List five skills that would be fun to have. Can these be any skills, like the ability to transport one's self anywhere in the blink of an eye, or do they have to be real skills? The former would be more fun, but we'll stick with the latter for now.
1. Karate or Tai Chi
2. Painting
3. Heal animals
4. Sculpting
5. Woodworking
5. List five things you used to enjoy doing.
1. Playing with horses (toys) and horseback riding (when I was under 10).
2. Playing Wii (probably would still enjoy this if I found/made the time).
3. Scrapbooking (eons ago)
4. Reading a good book cover to cover without interruption
5. I don't know, at least when it comes to the words used to. Is that strange/odd/sad?
6. List five silly things you would like to try once.
1. Wear 10" platform shoes.
2. Help an undercover agent. (Wait, is that silly?)
3. Pretend to be someone else.
4. Have my astrological chart read. (Does this count as silly? What exactly is "silly"?)
5. What else? Can I have a hint?

I think that my inability to complete simple, small lists says something about me.  I just wish that I knew what it said!

There is more to this week's chapter, but for now I am going to sleep.  Maybe my dreams will provide a bit of clarity.  They have been rather vivid recently!

Update (1/28/11):
The rest of the chapter for Week Four discussed reading deprivation.  What?!?! Give up reading for a WHOLE WEEK?!?!?!?!  I know that the purpose is to slow down and hear one's inner voice rather than having it drowned out by the words of others, but still...a difficult task.  Yet I can see how taking a number of days and filling all the time I would spend reading (articles for work, magazines, blogs, Facebook, novels) with other things might be beneficial.  When I first read about reading deprivation I thought "Oh, well, that won't be too hard -- I already fall asleep too tired to read most nights."  Then I started thinking about all the reading I do for my job, for school, for personal enjoyment (blogs) and realized that giving everything up for a week would be really difficult.  But I am going to try it in February, I think -- once the dang dissertation is done.